Loss
by Phaxsoone
Summary: James suffers a terrible loss. Lily&James oneshot.


**A/N: **This is a short fic I wrote for andthearrowflies prompt challenge - 2/5

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**Loss**

Another animalistic sob shook my hunched body as more tears dropped onto the innocent piece of parchment in my hands. I just couldn't believe it; it didn't seem right, didn't seem real. He was invincible. There was no way he wasn't around anymore, there had to have been some mistake.

I felt so angry. Angry with him for being so stupid, for letting it happen and for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Angry with her, for thinking that a letter was an appropriate way to break news like this. She must have anticipated my reaction, yet she did it anyway. She wrote those words. She knew exactly what she was doing. I resented that she had been the one to break the news to me, like it was someone closer to her who had died, which was a joke. She hadn't loved him like I had, not nearly as much. He wasn't her role model, just her form of income.

This wasn't fair. It wasn't right, and it shouldn't have happened. It should have been someone else, anyone else. Anyone but the man who meant the most to me.

Nobody close to me had ever died. I didn't have much family, just my parents and grandparents I'd never met. I didn't know it would hurt like this. I expected some kind of warning. It wasn't like he was sick – there was no way I could have begun to prepare for this. I knew being an auror was dangerous, but I never expected my Dad to be in an accident. He was too strong, too good at his job.

I looked down at the letter once more, straining my tear-filled eyes to read the smudged words.

_Dear James,_

_ I hope you're enjoying the new term at school and you are fulfilling your Head Boy duties appropriately. I know you will be – you wanted that position very much._

_ I hate to tell you this but you father was involved in an accident during a pursuit the other day. He was part of a group chasing a death eater, and he went too far, followed too closely. They were outnumbered, James. There was nothing anybody could do to help. They used unforgiveables, and by the time help arrived it was too late, the entire group was left for dead. The bodies were burned to a cinder. _

_ I'm so sorry. I knew he meant a lot to you. If it helps, I don't think he suffered. There is no body for a funeral but there will be a memorial service held next week which you will be welcome to attend, however there may trouble regarding transport from school._

_ I hope you're OK. Let me know if you need anything._

_I love you,_

_ Mum x_

Fresh tears rolled down my eyes. She doesn't think he suffered. Thanks. Means a lot. She knew nothing. She wasn't there and she didn't see it. She didn't experience it. I knew he wouldn't have been scared – he was too brave.

The head boy thing grated on me as well. I hadn't wanted it. I didn't care, it had just sort of happened. I think she got the idea that I'd desperately wanted it and worked my socks off to get it, which was a lie. She just wanted something to tell her 'friends'.

"James?"

I turned, watching as Lily entered our common room. I guess if I had to live with just one other person in head dorms she was one of the best companions I could have asked for.

She came and sat next to me, placing her hand on my shoulder comfortingly, stroking my arm.

"What happened?"

I didn't trust myself to speak so I just handed her the tear-stained letter, dropping my head into my hands. Her hand went to my back, moving in soothing circles.

As she read the letter, I felt her hand drop from my back, heard her gasp of shock.

"James, I'm so sorry," she whispered.

I lifted my head, wiping my eyes.

"I'd say we weren't close, but that would be a lie."

She nodded, hugging me.

If really hurt knowing that my mother didn't want me at the memorial service. She said transport would be an issue but we both knew that was just a ploy. She could easily get there if she wanted to. I didn't know why, but I imagined she wanted maximum attention and sympathy and I would detract from that.

If she didn't want me, there was no way I was going to go. I didn't feel the need to go. My Dad knew I loved him. He didn't need me to travel all those miles and put up with her fake demeanor to prove it.

"James, I don't know what to say. I'll do whatever I can to make things easier. Do you think you should go home? Be with your Mum for a bit?"

I shook my head vigorously. "No, that'll just make it worse. I want to stay right here."

"James…" she muttered, "you can't just pretend it didn't happen. You're going to need some time."

I shook my head. What I needed was to get back into things. This was my last year at Hogwarts, then I'd be on to new things –auror training. I wouldn't see him anyway. I hadn't seen him in months; he was always working. I hadn't spent any quality time with him since before I'd started Hogwarts. I would miss the idea of him, but I couldn't miss the man himself since I'd hardly ever known him.

"I'm fine. Really. It was just the shock. Honestly, I'm fine. Fine. Absolutely fine."

I wiped my eyes and stood up, putting a big smile on my face.

"Well, I won't be fine if I don't finish that potions essay for tomorrow, Slughorn might make allowances for you, but not me! I need to get to work!"

"James, wait."

I turned, still fake-smiling. "Yes?"

"I'm sure Dumbledore could make transport arrangements. I can hold up here on my own for a week or two, you need to be at that memorial service and –"

"I'm not going. She doesn't want me there and I don't want to go. Lily, don't tell anyone, I don't want people pitying me."

I needed her to understand. People couldn't think I was weak; I didn't want their pity. Dumbledore would make too much of a fuss and McGonagall would surely send me home. I didn't want that. I could cope perfectly fine here – this was my home.

"Well, OK, but you need to do what you want right now. Let me know if I can help."

"Yep, fine. I need to go work on this essay."

She nodded, unconvinced.

With a false skip in my step I grabbed my bag before jogging up the stairs to my room. I knew Lily didn't believe me, but I also knew she would leave me alone – she could take a hint.

Once I got there, I let the façade drop. Lily might be a great roommate, but there were some things I needed to do alone and mourning my father was one of those things.

About half an hour later – the middle of supper – a house elf appeared in my room, arms full of beef stew, fresh bread and plenty of chocolate orange fudge cake – my favorite thing in the world.

"Mr Potter, sir. Someone was worried about our absence in the great hall and requested me to bring you some dinner, sir."

I smiled. There were some great perks about being head students. We got let off if we were late for lessons; we got to know all the secret stuff about the school. We were also the only ones who could give house elves orders besides the professors. I hadn't ordered any food – and the professors never did this sort of thing for students – which meant only one other person could be behind this kindness.

I took the food gratuitously, thanking the house elf. It seemed she was more than just a good roommate. She was one of the best friends I would ever have. She was always there for me whenever I needed her and she was aware of everything I was feeling. She knew when to talk and when to listen, when to offer advice and when to just shut the hell up – something that was very useful in someone you lived with. She knew when to put me back in line, she never hesitated to chastise me if I did something wrong, to criticize me if I messed up. She was behind me in whatever I did. I told her absolutely everything. I asked her opinion almost daily. I don't know what I'd do without her. Lily Evans was my best friend, my sister, my mother, everything I ever needed. I knew right then that not going home was one of the best decisions I would make in a long time. I had all I needed right here.


End file.
